“Don’t waste water on washing your shirt, use photoshop!” ― EverSkeptic “I could be a morning person - but only if morning started at noon!” ― Carol Storm “This jacket is dry clean only, which means it’s dirty.” – Mitch Hedberg “I went to buy a candle holder but the store did not have one, so I brought a cake.” – Mitch Hedberg “Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” ― George Carlin “Whenever you fall, always pick something up.” ― Avery Carr “An atheist is a person who has nobody to blame when he screws up.” ― Fakeer Ishavardas “Life before toilet paper was not worth living.” ― Sherrilyn Kenyon “Do flat-earthers believe that other planets are also flat?” ― Oliver Markus Malloy “Chicken salad with egg in it is very interesting way to eat two generations.” ― Fuad Alakbarov “The na at the end of banana annoys me as much as it would you if it were bananana.” ― Lance Manion

“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.” ― Robert Brault “An apple a way keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough” – Stephen Colbert “A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.” ― James Denton “I just looked at the calendar and realized – my days are numbered” ― Johnny Moscato “If you drink anymore, you’re going to be positively flammable.” ― Michaela Haze Salad is what food eats.” ― Sariah Wilson “My favorite quote in the world is this one.” ― Richelle E. “I’m not Weird I’m Limited Edition!” ― Aliaha Brown “A signature always reveals a man’s character, and sometimes even his name.” ― Evan Esar “Holidays were invented so single women could overeat without feeling guilty.” ― Elizabeth Jane Howard “Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.” ― Addison C. “All I have is me, myself and I and we are all getting really tired of each other.” ― Carl White

“He who laughs last … just didn’t get the joke.” ― Carroll Bryant “The literal meaning of life is whatever you’re doing that prevents you from killing yourself.” ― Albert Camus “The early bird catches the worm, but what about the early worm?” – Anonymous “If the pen is mightier than the sword, a sharpie must be plain deadly!” ― Tom Althouse “Happiness is waking up, looking at the clock and finding that you still have two hours left to sleep.” ― Charles M. “I consider myself to be pretty normal, in an insane kind of way…” ― Gerri R. “If you worry about missing the boat, remember the Titanic!” ― Sid Bolon “Beauty lies in the LIES of the beholder!” ― Ashok Kallarakkal “Although life and I are not always in love with each other, we do remain on close speaking terms.” ― Brian Randleas Harmony “Water is the most essential element in life, because without it you can’t make coffee.” ― Karen Salmansohn “If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?” ― Regina Griffin “When it comes to emotions, women know how to paint with the full set of oils, while men are busy doodling with crayons.” ― Hank Moody “Vegetables – what food eats before it becomes food.” ― David Weber “I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.” ― Karl Pilkington “Money can’t buy love, except on Valentine’s Day.” ― Matshona Dhliwayo “No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance unless some stupidity is mixed in with it” ― Fernando Pessoa “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” ― George Carlin “Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.” ― Marian Keyes “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” ― Jerry Seinfeld “The important thing to remember is not to forget” ― Benny Bellamacina “Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.” ― Kurt Vonnegut Note to self! “Surely after a milkshake has been shaken, shouldn’t it be called a milkshook?” ― Leo M “The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun” – Stephen Colbert “If you’re too open-minded your brains will fall out.” ― Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“A politician is someone who promises a bridge even when there’s no water” ― Gregory David Roberts “Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” ― Colleen Hoover Now if only I could teach him to play fetch! “If history repeats itself, I am so getting a dinosaur!” ― anonymous These quotes are not only funny, they are also pretty clever. The following is our hand picked collection of 50 of the funniest one line quotes that is sure to leave you in splits.

Funny one word sayings